I'm a loser :O((((((

 

I didn't get the canoe  :O(

Men, Duhhhhh :O)

 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the

silent treatment. 

 

On going up to bed the man realised that as his alarm clock appeared to be broken he would need his wife to waken him at 5.00am for an early morning business flight. 

 

 Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper.....'PLEASE WAKE ME AT 5.00AM'....and he left it where he knew she would find it.

 

The next morning the man woke up only to discover it was 9.00am and he had missed his flight. 

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper beside the bed.

 

The paper said....'IT'S 5.00AM - WAKE UP!'

 

(Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests) LOL

My Shameful Secret :O/

 

I've done it.  I've gone and succumbed to something bad.  Really bad.  But you know what?  I was driven to it! 

 

Even before Noah got the wink from on high, I've wanted a canoe.  Not one of those little lurid coloured kayaks, but a canoe.  A real canoe,  Something big enough to carry both me and a picnic basket and a fishing rod, a radio, camera, books, and from time to time a companion.  Every year I've put it on my Christmas List and for a long time now it's actually been the only thing on my list.

 

My husband is a generous and loving man.  He's a generous and loving man who can't swim.  He doesn't want to go in any canoe, he doesn't want to go on a canoe with me especially, and he doesn't want me to go in a canoe alone.  A new anxiety that he's expressed is that he wouldn't want me to risk the dog's life in a canoe.  My dog was born to swim, unlike my husband who's taken half a century to learn how to paddle without fretting.  And I still think he's just putting a brave face on it so that Connie doesn't laugh at him.

 

Anyway, in 21 hours I may actually own a canoe at long loooong last.  It could be well after Christmas before my husband finds out tho and it'll take another Flood before he gets in it without being sandbagged first.

 

He's never going to know that I've registered with Ebay tho - that's far too dark a secret to share.

Starter for 10 :O)

 

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

I'm SO good to you! :O)

 

To access the old style message boards then firstly, from the new boards, select General Politics (or any board you want to read regularly and obviously General Politics News will be at the top of your list) as your favourite on MY BOARDS.  There may be a tab saying Add to My Boards - if so, click it.  The key words to look for are 'My Boards', ok?

 

Then click on this link: aol://5863:126/mbSQuery:512509   and THIS IS IMPORTANT,  either drop it into Faves or stick it on your top bar.  You can totally ignore that it says anything about Parenting, ok? 

 

Then when you want to read the board, click this link you just saved and select My Boards from the top right.

 

Then links to any boards you've added to the My Boards list will come up.  Select Politics and there it'll be, in all it's old fashioned and much loved squalor.

 

But you will need to make sure that you save the above link to your favourite places or on your toolbar and use this way in every time, otherwise you are diverted back to the new crap html boards.

AOL Retro Boards :: Search for your favorite forum, file library, message board, or chat room:

 

Hidden AOL 2.5 Forums Exposed

I'm a Chosen One, yes yes yes I am!

At last, at long long last, after years of wearing my nails down to the quick typing answers to personality test after personality test in hopes of getting some decent feedback I've found the one, the ONE test that's got me to a tee!

Here it is:   Tickle: Tests, Matchmaking and Social Networking  and below is my result.

The devisers of this test are geniuses! 

Altho I have to admit to a sneaky suspicion that taking personality tests is a bit of a giveaway that I'm a bit short on the err....ummm.... personality front.  Even so, lookee here!!  :O))))

Jane, you're a Chosen One!

You're warm, giving, knowing, and patient. Chances are you're not afraid to actively pursue your goals and dreams. As if all that weren't enough, you pretty much set the standard for emotional health by being filled with positive feelings and energy.

You'd be a great person in an emergency and you always return phone calls. You're no fair-weather friend.

And that's just scratching the surface!

Oh yes, geniuses!

Mind, the 'patient' bit isn't guaranteed :O)

Starry eyed

In the very early hours of Sunday morning I got out of bed, pulled a jumper and my dressing gown on top of my nightie, put long socks and slippers on, donned my husband's big gardening jacket and his beanie, grabbed a cup of coffee and ventured out into the night.  I took my dog in the car through the silent lanes and climbed through brambles that wrenched at my nightie to the highest point in our local country park where I sat all alone and frost frozen on a bench and gazed upwards for the next 90 minutes.

No-one saw me, which was a relief, but I saw 5, yes 5 falling stars.  Y'know, that's the best pre-dawn thrill I've had in donkey's years <gg>

Soz if you're Irish :O))

In a remote village in Ireland, a farmer's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down. There's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

 

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The farmer scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor.....

"D'ye tink it might be de loight dat's attractin' 'em?"

This is funny :O)

Alcohol & Ammo

Life lesson :O)

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.  He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted  "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him  an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost.  Frankly, you've not been much help at all.  If anything, you've delayed my trip." 

The woman below responded  "You must be in Management."
"I am" replied the balloonist "but how did you know?"

"Well" said the woman "you don't know where you are or where you're going.  You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.  The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now, somehow, it's my fault"

In Remembrance

" We are all hoping that Churchill keeps to his promise and gets us relieved sometime this year.  I notice that both his and Chamberlain's son keep getting home after a few weeks out in the Middle East..  I wonder what Lady Astor thinks of the Reservists who she said were 'basking in the Red Sea' now!

Well I am now one of Haw Haw's 'Desert Rats'.  The name he gave us has stuck and we all wear a cloth rat on our shoulders.  The prisoners whom we take back are all very envious of all who wear it.  They must think we are the ones who ate all the malt, especially when we drink their wine and eat the tinned food we have captured from them.  Poor blighters, they are mostly a pitiful sight and resemble the English tramp who is in a bad way for want of food and clothing.

We are now getting all the kit we want, tanks, guns, trucks and everything that we need thanks to the gallant women of England.  They are doing a man's job as well as any man and we intend to use it all in a way that shows our gratitude to our beloved country's women heroes.

I hope Fred is getting plenty of leave and that he's able to stay in England for a long time yet.  There are no laurels out here.  He's better to stay with the ones he loves so much, as I wish I could."

10th Armoured Division, Monday March 8th, 1942.  Family Archive.

Run rabbit, run run run

 

The Metropolitan Armed Response Unit, Special Branch and MI5 are all trying to prove that they're the best at apprehending criminals.  The Home Secretary decides to give them a test.  He releases a rabbit into a forest and asks each of them to catch it.

 

MI5 go in.  They place highly trained animal informants throughout the forest.  After 3 months of intensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don't exist and put in a request for better funding.

 

Special Branch go in. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.  After 2 weeks with no leads they raze the forest to the ground killing everything in it and compile a report proving that rabbits were about to bring the nation to it's knees with their wmd, myxymatosis.

 

The Metropolitan Armed Response Unit goes in.  2 hours later they emerge with a very bloody hedgehog carrying a written confession of guilt and with 5000 shotgun pellets in it's head.  The hedgehog is screaming "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit I'm a rabbit."

Ohhh Father

Usually I get a couple of wall calendars each year, one each from my local garage and my oil supplier.  For this coming year tho things have looked up!  Instead of worthy but dull monthly series of cartoons of 'cute' birds or views of the Nuneaton Bus Terminus I've received a copy of CalendorioRomano.  It was a case of Oh My God - almost literally when I looked at Father October - which I share with you here.  Who wouldn't be confessing lewd thoughts each and every Saturday to this veritable 'occasion of sin'! 

 

On the other hand, apparently these 'models' actually are real practising Roman Catholic priests.  The Vatican has refused to either support or deplore this calendar, which fact raises huge questions about celibate priests who, in their Christian ministry, argue for chastity before and often within marriage choosing to be portrayed as glamour pin up boys for a secular - or indeed any - calendar. 

Sometimes even an old cynic like me is left wondering what on earth the world's coming to!

Just 2 short weeks ago!

Rude, but it made me laugh

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave
at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ass???"

She looks into his eyes and says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."

OI YOU! STOP that NOW!

 

The US Govt's Dept of Health and Human Services has allocated $50 million dollars to a campaign persuading unmarried adults up to the age of 29 to change their naughty naughty ways. 

Recent surveys have shown that 90% of American adults aged 20 - 29 are regularly having sex and Bush isn't happy about it.  Every time I look at my kids I know how he feels but somehow, now that I can't nail their feet under their homework desks, I'm stumped how to stop the little beggars from doing what comes naturally.  :O(

 

Anyway, the Bush Govt's answer to the tendency of single free adults to engage in sexual acts which may - altho of course 99.999999% don't - result in children you might think would be to make sure they all get good comprehensive advice about safer sex maybe, or perhaps about contraception.  Maybe both if Bush's neurone was having a good day and firing up.

 

Think again.

 

Bush is to spend $50 million to tell them to stop it at once.  Keep it in their trousers, keep their knickers on.  Don't even think about sex and definitely don't do it.

 

Amongst this weirdy madness one thought occurs and it's one born of empathy for the American people.... 

 

What on Earth is wrong with them that sex stops at 30?????????

 

2nd November.  One further thought - not that I've been obsessing about this No Rumpy B4 You're a Wrinkly Campaign - but does it mean that all US porn will only feature 'stars' over the age of 30 now?

I have images of paunches, grey pubic hair, blokes' backs 'going' in the middle of the scene, cramped calves..................  c'mon, if you're old enough to have sex in the USA then you know what I'm talking about  :O)))

Autumn

I've just been walking with my dog.  It's a beautiful morning, the sun shining on the treacle coloured beech leaves and the holly berries shining out of the woodland gloom, but as I climbed the hill out of the trees the grass became crisper and at the top there was white frosty rime on the sere grasses and birch twigs. 

 

We had a very sharp frost last night and it's finished off many of the flowering plants in my garden.  The impatien leaves are dark and wilted and the dahlias are edged in black as if in mourning for the summer gone.

 

But only 4 days ago it was so hot that Connie, having an away day at the beach, tore off her kecks and paddled in the sea.  Wouldn't it be great to be 5 again.