Stuart, in commenting on my piece Marital Musings, said: 'the marriage vow talks about and the two shall become one. ' It does, but the Marriage Vows, and most marriages that have ever taken place did so when people couldn't realistically expect to live beyond their mid 40s, and moreover, when women were extremely prone to dying at childbirth. I daresay were we now faced with the prospect of marriages lasting a maximum of 20 years or until childbirth, then we'd not have any problem with finding everything in one person.
Most people too didn't expect to find their soulmate in marriage. Women's soulmates tended to be female and men didn't need soulmates because they were too tired from working at t'coalface to want someone to talk to and in any event didn't have the language to express and share their feelings and expectations had they wanted to. Sadly, many still don't.
These days tho we can expect to live into our 80s and that means marriages are expected to last up to and beyond 60 years. Consider also that in our parents' and Grandparents' time the concept of, for example, lifelong learning was unthought-of - what with t'pit, t'pub and patching the patches on patchwork laundry pinafores.
Now however some young adults continue their education, engage in interesting and time-consuming activities outside the home, read far more than their grandparents ever did - and now both men and women expect to get social and other sorts of stimulation and some independance by working in paid employment outside the home.
The chances that a young couple will continue to share their intellectual and social life as they grow older are less and less likely as the wider world opens up new avenues to explore.
The idea of spending 60 years in a relationship which excludes all others is a good one in many ways - but only if they remain compatible. 60 years living in a totally incompatible exclusive relationship is surely insupportible to most people and the divorce rate appears to provide the evidence that it is.
Perhaps we need to review, clarify and mutually agree our expectations and options in light of the very different circumstances which apply today before we make those ancient promises?
5 comments:
And perhaps you need to learn about statistics and maths - life expectancy was still 70+ and expected mid 40's was only an average age mainly due to infant mortality. The two shall become one is a much deeper concept about spiritual and physical intermingling
I always expected to find my soulmate and I did at 14 and now I am approaching 55
And perhaps you need to learn about statistics and maths - life expectancy was still 70+ and expected mid 40's was only an average age mainly due to infant mortality..............
Maybe so Stuart altho if you're saying that perinatal mortality rates were not shocking then maybe you're doing what men so often do - ie cutting out women's history from the overall picture.
That aside, even tho you yourself have a good stable and long marriage, do you not agree with any of the points I made?
BTW, forgive me if I read you wrong, but you sound a bit irritable - are you and if so is it everything that I said or only part that's peed you off?
no I wasn't ratty - I was making the dinner at the time ;)))
Like the good man I am!!
Sorry no I am not remotely irritated - sorry it sounded that way
What I was trying to say was that there is general misconception about the length of time people lived due to the fact of high number of childhood deaths and others which skews the stats - people could still and did live for many long years and I don't think you can say that when folk got married thinking it was for only a few years till they died in their 40's.
Since that basic premise seems to me to be wrong then I think the rest of your argument falls flat
I was in a rush making the dinner!!
Nor do I remotely underestimate the perinatal death rate.
Since that basic premise seems to me to be wrong then I think the rest of your argument falls flat....................
And the other factors which have changed? Increased leisure time, a wider range of interests and socialising opportunities outside the home and work, increased expectations from relationships, more financial independance for women, increased awareness of social, economic and political issues, very different working patterns etc - do you think they have not made vast differences in (mostly unspoken) expectations and reservations which should be discussed and clarified more openly before marriage, rather than relying on what for many is just over the rainbow happy ever after thoughtlessness?
Well, both sets of my grandparents were married over 60 years. (my maternal grandparents have been married 65 years and still maried to this day) My parents have been married for 47 years now, and both my brother and sister have been married to the same spouse for 20 and 21 years respectively, so it can be done.
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