Tuesday 1 August 2006

Marital musings

 
Before you start making assumptions I have a happy marriage and have no intention of ever divorcing my husband, I'm simply indulging in thinking   :O)
And when I use the words 'us' and 'we' I don't mean you and I don't mean me, I mean folk in general.
 
I wonder if, when you first decided to marry your beloved or shack up with your squeeze, whether you thought that you knew yourself, knew your intended, knew you'd always be in love, knew what you wanted from life and knew that you each wanted the same?  I think we all believe that we know those things. 
 
What we either don't know or, in that heady rush into twosomeness, what we most of us forget is that nothing stays the same.  Human beings are constantly changing - altho were I kinder or more sentimental I suppose I'd say that we never stop 'growing' - in my case both literally and figuratively  :O(.
We might become more widely read, more artistic, more athletic, fatter, thinner, richer, poorer, more generous or more bitter, more peaceful of more aggressive, more smart or more ignorant.  Some of us might choose to stay as we were which could be fantastic or could mean that at 50 we still get smashed every Saturday night, won't eat anything our Mums didn't cook and want to hang out with our friends 5 nights a week.
 
What most of us do in fact is, like John Wayne's cowboy characters, we get partnered up without knowing much more about how well matched we will remain in 10 years time than what the notches on our bedposts tell us.  So what we believe will be lifelong partnerships are actually based on assumptions about not only what our own future self will be like, but what this distinctly different person we're about to 'commit' to will be like either.
 
And we lie.  We lie to ourselves and to each other altho equally often these lies are lies of ommission rather than direct untruths.  Who customarily says 'oh you choose, I don't mind either way', or 'really, I'm happy with whatever you want' or 'truly whatever you decide as long as I'm with you it'll be great' other than people in that first mad rush of infatuated affucktion?
Do we check out our assumptions?  Do we discuss and agree ground rules or do we take it for granted that both parties accept what's believed to be the relationship status quo? 
Did you ask your intended if s/he thought adultery sufficient grounds for divorce for example?  Did you ask whether your intended wanted 6 or no children and did you believe their answer or think that you could change their mind?  I'd guess not and I'd also guess that unless/until the poo hits the fan you haven't really given many such matters much extensive consideration yourself. 
 
And do any of these questions have any validity now, or do we all have the possibility of divorce in the back of our minds ready for when the glare of the difference between ideal and actuality hit us smack in the eye?

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow ,thats really mind blowing .lots of questions there to ponder or agonise over ,I guess we hope we will grow together Hmmm ?.......Jan xx

Anonymous said...

the marriage vow talks about and the two shall become one.
I think  we have tried that.
Maybe we are lucky.
33 years on ...............37 since we started to go out............

Anonymous said...

.........much to think of in this entry Fairy.  Not many stand the test of time these days, but if you go before the man/woman that say's the final 'I pronounce u.....' with our fingers crossed behind our backs, it wouldn't be worth turning up would it, but I dare say there's more than a few that have wondered on the big day.

Certainly something to think about. Rache